May 30th, 2021. I’m completely vaccinated, COVID hasn’t completely left us. Next week is my final week at my current job. New opportunities ahead.
It’s Memorial Day weekend, but the weather is crap. And I have nowhere to go. We (the family) will make the best of it, but I can’t help but wish I’d do more. Especially considering I’m finallyyyy vaccinated and have been eagerly waiting for this moment for far too long. Alas, this weekend is shaping up to be uneventful.
I spent a year and a half hiding away during quarantine. I find myself at a crossroads with a desire to take a radical leap of faith, spread my wings, and soar. I like to think that this job change is just that.
June 7th, 2021. The start of a new adventure.
Just because something makes you uncomfortable doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it. In fact, because something makes you uncomfortable is sometimes exactly why you should do it. This is how I’m approaching this transition. This is also how many anxious individuals like myself are re-entering society post-COVID. Stepping out of our conditioned comfort zones and revisiting once routine joys we’ve since come to fear. Movie theaters... indoor dining... packed subway cars.... breathing freely without a mask in public.... all theses concepts feel so alien to me. Overnight, the CDC directives changed. Overnight, I’m completely vaccinated. Overnight, we completely lost over a year of our lives. And while that last point may be an exaggeration, it’s not as far from the truth as I wish it were.
The past year and a half has shaken up the fabric of our existence. Perhaps you were not as paranoid as myself. Perhaps your personal routine changed less than my own. Regardless, the world around us has been disrupted in ways that recontextualize what it means to both live alone and apart of a community.
It’s May 30th, 2021. In 2020, my world was disrupted, but it wasn’t derailed. Or perhaps it was - perhaps a derailment was exactly what happened and what I needed to pull my priorities in check and reestablish my focus.
I’m stepping away from dance. I tried this once before when I started college and failed. I turned my back on dance, but dance wasn’t ready to turn its back on me. Dance and I rediscovered one another. This time, in a new context and with a new found appreciation for one another. A more intimate understanding of myself, my relationship to art, and self-expression. Dance filled in the gaps in my college life in a way I couldn’t have anticipated.
Fast forward to my next disruption - my college graduation in June 2016. The bubble bursts. Out in the “realer” world, stumbling around in the dark, hoping to find my footing in a full-time position aligned with my background and interests. I applied to countless jobs, found my way into two valuable internships before landing my first full-time office gig in the dance industry.
Today, four years later with work experience underneath my belt and my world disrupted by COVID, I’ve reached a new crossroads. While my line of work is adjacent to dance, it was never dancing. I can count the number of times I’ve attended a dance class since graduating on my two hands. I appreciated being apart of a community of like-minded individuals, but I was ready- determined- to dive headfirst into other passions and skills that I’ve developed in the workplace and would love to develop further. Passions and skills that I know can carry me forward into this next, necessary stage of my life. Independence.
I’m stepping away from dance. But, this time around, I am NOT abandoning it. I am not turning my back on it. Rather, I’m recognizing how my dancer identity has evolved beyond what it once was and also how it doesn’t define me. I’ve moved beyond technique classes, performances, and choreography. But I remain an artist, curious and adaptable, eager to take risks and explore the world around me. My mind, body, and spirit are built to move. And so, I must remain in motion. And in motion is exactly where I find myself in this instant as I take a courageous leap of faith from the familiar into the unknown.
May 30th, 2021. I’m completely vaccinated, COVID hasn’t completely left us. Next week is my final week at my current job.
June 7th, 2021. The start of a new adventure.
Had it not been for the pandemic, I’m not sure I’d be here. Or at least not so quickly. Despite all the anxieties that will greet me on the other side, I know this is the right choice. I’m a dancer. Prepared to push off the ground, defy gravity, and take flight.
I’d like to close this reflection with an excerpt from an essay I wrote three years ago celebrating the one year anniversary at my job:
“Life is pretty f-ing great. But I also can’t shake the feeling that the best is yet to come... There’s a storm brewing inside of me. Ready to burst wide open, out, and into the world. Explode in the best way possible. My future is big, loud, and bright. I AM the thunder and the lightning.”
Watch me move. Hear me roar. I turn the page on this chapter with a smile on my face and gratitude for each and every disruptive paragraph that has led me to this current moment. New beginnings. I am ready.
Photos By Unsplash
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