Going Back

I envision myself on a train. Stations whizzing by. Anxiety over what’s in store bubbling up inside my chest. Today’s the monumental day - in my imagination - when I’ve returned to riding the LIRR into Manhattan after the COVID-19 lockdown. Back to work I go, back to life as we all once knew it.

But, no.

New office. New rules. New fears that guide us.

Social distancing. It is not enough to just exist anymore. Survive and be responsible.

As I write this, I’m pacing the streets of my neighborhood, streets I’ve become far too familiar with during this lockdown. Dodging my fellow pedestrians. Passing rainbows, health care thank you’s in windows. Wondering how I can pave a pathway forward as everything I once took for granted erodes away.

Cracks in the pavement. Pain in the streets. We’re in the midst of a social revolution. Or so we hope. Far too often, our ADHD minds wander far off into the distant future before anything is accomplished in the present. A world of Twitter tweets trending... outrage, questions and cancellations. Noise pollution under the guise of progress. Forgive. Forget. Forgot.

*Sigh*

I need a vacation.

It’s been a strange few months of isolation, but I’m ready to wake up and crawl out of my cave. My germaphobia continues to consume me, but my desire to be free nudges me through the darkness.

Sunlight. Memories, Hiking in the Hudson Highlands. Gazing out at the river from high up above . Fresh air blowing through me, supporting me. I stand tall and proud, alone.

Take me there now. Let me throw my hands in the air. Say goodbye to all that weighs me down. Pretend away the world’s problems. Bask in the privileges I’ve inherited. And smile once again...

But, no.

I envision myself on a train. Heading back to a world that no longer exists, but maybe also shouldn’t.