Monday, March 4, 2019

My Reflection Scares Me

By thechibbsjermaine

Below is something I wrote in 2013 that I just happened to stumble upon. This special piece of writing really captures where I was at the time and how I felt. Some of the conflicts I bring up I've since worked past, but others I continue to grapple with today despite it being 6 years later and me now being an “adult”.

This was written shortly after I transferred into Hunter College, after having taken a break from college for about a year. This was coming from a time when I wasn’t sure what I would be majoring in. Before I found the Hunter College Dance Company. When I felt so torn as to where I wanted to go in life... and very disappointed and unfulfilled in the trajectory everything seemed to be following.

I guess I am now an adult. Or at least I’ve begun “adulting”. Thankfully, I do not feel “unsatisfied” or like a “miserable, ugly failure”.

There’s much I’ve worked out in my life, but there’s still a lot I’m working out. I think what surprised me most about becoming an “adult” is that life – living – does not need to stop. One can still move: push for things, figure things out, aspire, play, learn, achieve, and grow. “Adulting” doesn’t mean anything of that needs to die out.

Here, is what I wrote in 2013:

My Reflection Scares Me

I don’t like looking into the mirror too closely. My reflection scares me. When I stare too hard, all I see is a mess of insecurities, deficiencies, and missed opportunities, and I cry a bit inside. Of course, I also see potential. Talents. Goodness. Passions. But the ugliness always appears most pronounced. And this ugliness carries with it the possibility that despite all my ambitions, I will end up an unsatisfied, miserable, and ugly failure as an adult.

My future is hazy. I don’t know where I’ll end up. Being a student, I glue myself to my studies in the hope that I can equip myself with the best skills for adulthood. But I am not an adult yet, so I can’t be sure of what to expect. I am only informed by my past and present.


Through all my ups and downs, my amazing family has stood as a valuable support system and has helped nurture my growth. We are far from perfect, but we have always been a very close family of seven. I was always a quiet, thoughtful and occasionally anxious child who sat apart from his peers. My years of homeschooling prior to entering middle school only enabled these tendencies.

As a male involved in dance with no interest in sports, I’ve always felt emasculated by the judgmental eye of society. What hurts perhaps the most regarding this, was that even my closest male friends have no interest in my dance pursuits. They won’t belittle me for it, but they just don’t understand it. It’s as though it’s some unspeakable quirk they’d rather not speak of. But dancing has become a covert passion of mind that is only exerted on the stage, in a dance studio, or in the safety of my household. I shy away from disapproval others will give me by hiding it in most situations. I know I am eccentric. No one needs to tell me so. But it does take time for me to embrace my differences. It is difficult, at times, painful. But it is something I must take into account in order to structure my future.

When one asks of my life plans, my default answer is I don’t know. But this is untrue. Much interests me, but I feel little of these interests are grounded in reality. In the bliss of childhood, I dreamt of making films, writing books, opening a dance studio, creating intricate inventions, designing houses, and many other feats.

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Today, a few of these dreams still linger on, though a cold dose of reality has forced me to level and narrow my expectations. While my parents will encourage the pursuit of a stable, lucrative career, I don’t think I can follow that path. I just need something more personally fulfilling. I don’t get the same satisfaction out of living as many other people do in life. Passive activities without an instrumental purpose like casual socializing do little to complete me, and I also can’t see myself slaving over a desk for hours at a job I see little creative input in. I need somewhere where I can be me, where I can explore and flit about to the delight of my erratic little mind. I need an inventive occupation where I can see the fruits of my labor.

In one of my favorite quotes, T.E. Lawrence says, “All men dream, but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds, wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act on their dreams with open eyes, to make them possible.” On one end, this quotation reminds of that dreams can become reality. It attempts to inspire us. To let us know it can happen. On the other end, it warns us that few people go through the necessary steps to make this happen. Here, the ominous possibility of failure haunts us. We are told, dreams without action are no more than fancy.

In the wake of the Boston Marathon tragedy, I am reminded of the fragility of life and the indifference of the universe. I must seek refuge in those I love and in what activities I find enjoyable in order to ensure an existence of fulfillment. Death terrifies me, yet I know it is inevitable. So I try to expect it without being too somber by slowly learning to embrace myself for who I am at the present- as mediocre and insubstantial a person this may seem at first glance. As for the future, we’re not all built to live the glamorized lives of rock stars, TV celebrities, or billionaires. Most people just aren’t cut out for that. Or maybe luck is just not on your side. That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try our best to work with the hand of cards we’ve been dealt; we should just be realistic regarding our expectations in the pursuit of goals. We should “shoot for the moon” because “even if [we] miss, [we’ll] land among the stars (Les Brown)." I’m not sure where I’ll end up, but this is what I plan to do.
By Randi Tarampi

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