Time to Stop?

Photo by NeONBRAND on Unsplash

This past October, I kinda just started writing without putting too much thought into the possible consequences or that anyone would really read anything I wrote. The first piece I wrote came about by chance. I had a conversation with some fellow Hunter College Dance graduates about life outside the studio.... the guilt of no longer being a “dancer”. Not doing enough to carry along that elusive, all-powerful, revered “dancer” identity. The quest to find purpose outside the safe, beautiful walls of Hunter College. It was a discussion that really resonated with me and a conflict very much going through my head at the time.

So, I pulled my thoughts together. Typed them in the Notes on my iPhone. And shared them on Facebook. I didn’t really expect much of and audience. But I was delighted to discover that people were listening.... and I think also agreed with at least some of my sentiments. I felt less alone, more connected to others, than when I kept my thoughts to myself.

More than anything, I came to appreciate that I had a platform. Attention. Power. Dancers need a stage. Rehearsal time in a studio. Video equipment and space to record their work.... But writing and sharing what I wrote was an activity I could fit into my 9-5pm work schedule with just a little bit (sometimes, a lot a bit) of self-discipline.

That first piece of writing spiraled into the next. And then, the next. I found that I preferred a caffeine high and writing during my early morning commute over forcing myself to take a nap. So I continued to write and share bits and pieces of myself every morning. Here I am today, seven months later.

I like to qualify everything I write with “I don’t know what it is that I’m doing” or “I’m an amateur”. But that isn’t entirely true. I am being me. Being me in a very public way. And, sometimes, I can’t help but feel afraid. Afraid that I am revealing too much to the world around me. Have I made myself vulnerable and open to exploitation? Am I foolish for having thought it would be appropriate to tell everything to everyone? At this point, I imagine I can’t take back any damage I may have caused.

Photo by Nick Fewings on Unsplash

I answer so many questions about myself. Questions you don’t even need to ask. Sometimes, I feel exhausted. And wonder if it would do me better to keep some thoughts private. Keep the personal, personal. It’s all such a one sided conversation... I’m doing all the talking. Emptying out all that is inside my mind and heart. You learn ALL about me. You have access to all of my deepest thoughts and feelings. But I still know nothing - or at least, not nearly as much- about you.

I want to say goodbye. I want to stop writing. I want to leave this public arena and write for my ears only. I want to build a wall around me to insulate myself from you. But I really don’t think I can. I demolished a wall last October with the first thing I wrote, it’s been a journey ever since, and I don’t think there’s any going back. It’s such a satisfying feeling to have words to say to listening ears... but my heart is aching because I fear you will hurt me because of them and that there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. I really can’t fault you for it, can I? I put everything out there. Maybe it’s all my mistake? Need I be more careful? I don’t know.