Am I Too Much?

Photo by Aarón Blanco Tejedor

I guess I can be a lot. But am I too much? I am complex, but am I too complicated?

How do you handle me? Do you even try? Do you even want to? (Should I even care?)

All these questions race through my head as I question the burden my presence weighs on others and decide how much of me I should or shouldn’t share.

I don’t want to be overburdensome or needy. I don’t want to take up too much space. Or any of your space, really. But sometimes. I’m afraid to admit that I’m human, and I can’t help it. I take up space. I just need someone to listen.

As much as I want to be strong, confident, and independent - an individual, distinct, and solid in my own right- time and time again, I feel the need to rely on spilling my guts to others. And that can be a lot - maybe, too much. I get it...

Photo by Jaroslav Devia 

...It’s baggage. It’s not flowery. It’s not sunshine, rainbows, and roses. Birthday parties with delicious cake and brightly colored balloons. No, it’s not at all. It’s often gritty. Complex. But hopefully not too complicated. It’s textured. Rugged. Raw and uncensored, perhaps crude, and likely difficult to digest. Right things may come out wrong, and wrong things may come out right. It’s far from polished and rarely coherent. But it’s real, and I can’t handle it alone.

Often times, I feel the responsibility to hide it all away. That I need to run away from expressing my thoughts and feelings. I’m afraid to reveal and be vulnerable, and I want to keep you safe. So I keep everything bottled up deep inside my soul and let it fester. Boil up. Contaminate. Corrupt. I make my presence as small, invisible, and unobtrusive as possible. I keep myself composed, controlled, and organized to the detriment of my own psychological and emotional well-being. I yearn to be unhinged and speak freely.

Yes, I know I’m a lot. Too much. Complex. Too complicated. But I’m learning that I really can’t help it, so I ought to embrace and own it. To claim my space as I deserve and need to in order to survive. To spend time with and appreciate those who I can trust and are able to handle ALL of me, and stop apologizing for being me. To my special friends and family members who listen, and you know who you are, I thank you and only can hope that I support you as much in return.