Will The Train Ever Stop?

Photo by Unsplash

Originally written September 22, 2022

Here we are again. First day of something new. 

Will the train ever stop?

When will life settle? Do I really want life to settle…?

Last week, I kicked off a short solo trip - challenging myself to embrace the alone. Today I begin a new job opportunity. Tomorrow? Who knows what tomorrow will hold. All I can say is, at least for now, the train isn’t stopping.

My life is still developing. On the verge of 30 years, I feel as though I’m on the verge of old. It blows my mind that I graduated college six years ago and high school eleven. I have heard the 30s are good years. I imagine they are good years because, for many 30 year olds, life has start to come together a bit more. You’ve passed the rocky transition out of college and have hopefully found more steady ground in full-out adulting. A clearer career path. A greater understanding of adult life and your place in it.

I’ve definitely found more solid footing. But the train isn’t stopping. 

I now finally have my permit, not my driver’s license. I hope to get that soon. I live at home with family, which works for now, but not forever. I want to travel while I have the energy to do so, I aim to scratch that itch over the next few years.

The train isn’t stopping. 

I think these words as I also ride the express train into Manhatran. Embarking upon a new job journey. Entering this job, like all the rest, imposter syndrome- questioning my capabilities - but also determined to meet all the new expectations. Put my best foot forward, all one can really do!

I’m feeding my appetite for more work. More challenges. Upward mobility. Climbing the ladder up with limited thought as to what I’m leaving behind below.

Speaking of climbing, I hiked a ton this past weekend. Scaled mountains. Injured my knee in the process. Stuck limping around the days that followed. The second of two long(ish) lasting injuries I’ve experienced in recent months. A damning reminder that maybe my body is already unraveling. That my body is aging even if my soul feels young and full of ambition.

When I’m injured, I always realize how much of my life I take for granted and notice how inaccessible the world can be for disabled people. I’m grateful for the body I have, hope to nurture AND use it while it’s strong. Time to try trekking poles next time I’m tackling  steep elevation changes…

Will the train stop when it can no longer move? 

This question haunts me. The movement I crave- whether this be a new job opportunity, a new life mile stone, or hiking up a mountain - will this stop when I reach my limit? Will my values transform along with it or will I be devastated, unable to reach the peaks I hoped to?

The train ride is exhilarating. While it lasts. But will it end? What about when it ends? Do I simply catch a different train?

All I know is that I’m riding this one out. 

Progress naturally isn’t linear. Perhaps that’s an idea I’m glossing over. Sometimes, the train leads you the wrong way. Sometimes, YOU decide it’s the wrong train. You’re lost hiking in the woods, sweating profusely without a map, turning back after hours of effort and hundreds of calories burned. That fancy new job… doesn’t work out. Or your interests and values have evolved. Maybe you decide you don’t want to stray far from home after all. The beauty is- even through failure - your life is built upon an accumulation of experiences that arm you better for tomorrow. 

Maybe there’s always another train to catch if you look hard enough. 

I won’t stop looking.