First Day Of Work Part Two

I’ve worked at my job for almost eleven months. Today I meet my boss in person for the first time. Today I meet my office for the first time. Today - I get a taste of my future. But also my past…. Which feels so far away. The days when office life felt forever. An unshakeable routine. With perhaps a few remote days sprinkled in.

As my train pulls into the next station, I glance out the window to see a commuter racing in our direction. Will he make it in time or need to wait for the next? A familiar sight with no satisfying conclusion. I never find out. I’m left to wondering…

And wondering is also where I’m left anticipating the day to come. A day back in the office. A new office. With teammates I’ve developed relationships with solely over Zoom- how will these relationships translate to the physical world? Will they? Or are these teammates truly strangers?

Ahhh - eye contact. Eye contact is coming. I’ll admit I fidget and have always dealt with social anxiety, but have found plenty of coping mechanisms to manage/hide it. But I can’t help but wonder if I’m starting from square one when it comes to in person work interaction? How do I maintain eye contact? How do I relay focus? There’s now eyes around me. If I switch the tab on my computer or jot down notes, I’m being watched. Or at least I could be. I need to appear, engaged, productive, busy…. Paranoid, much? Perhaps. But I can’t help but feel much of the return back to office is all about optics. Visibility. Are you working/how are you working/who are you working with.

Now, onto the positives. At this moment, working from the office is optional. I opted in. It felt like the perfect excuse. I’m saying hello and goodbye to one of my teammates who’s moving onto new opportunities. I’m preparing myself for mandated hybrid work come June. I look forward to feeling more “involved” with my company and job. More part of a community. I’m hoping hybrid can help this along.

I reflect on positive in person working experiences I’ve had in my past, and can’t help but feel sad about everything I’ve lost. The people. The job. An office. The things that aren’t coming back. Ripped from my fingertips to never return during the height of the pandemic.

There’s now new people. A new job. And today - a new office. But it’s not the same. Can’t be the same .

Perhaps I’m traumatized because I never properly said goodbye to the past. I didn’t know March 2020 would be my last day at my old office - it just happened. I didn’t realize every single coworker I sat with would be forced to part ways with the company in the months that followed. I couldn’t say goodbye in person, give the people the send off they deserved. And when I left the job myself - I felt appreciated… excited for the new…. But maybe also a bit empty. Empty because the chapter never closed the way I’d have imagined it. I didn’t graduate. I jumped ship. The pandemic screwed everything up. Unresolved memories linger on.

Enough moping… I’m almost at my destination and want to stay grounded in the present.  Appreciate what’s now. Sure, it’s just people. A job. An office. Likely a stepping stone towards something greater. But it can end at any moment. And I want to be prepared this time around.

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