Am I A Different Person Than Who I Once Was?

Photo by Chris Lawton on Unsplash

Am I a different Paul today than I once was?
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I had my coffee. But where are the words? Some days, inspiration feels so far away.

Lately, my writings have been more scattered than usual. Tidbits coming out here and there... Solid in there own right.... but small and disconnected from one another.

I wish I knew what I was building. Whether it be anything at all...

I wonder how things have evolved (or devolved) over time.... If I were to take a close, unbiased look at something I wrote in the beginning, compare it to something in the middle of my journey, and then to something more current, what would I see? A progression? An evolution of style? The repetition of ideas? Confusing contradictions?

They say that it takes about three weeks to form a new habit. It’s been about nine months since I began this practice of consistent writing. I imagine that it would feel strange to quit now, but that doesn’t mean I always know what it is that I want to say. Not every week is eventful. My life isn’t always the most entertaining source material to work off of. I work full time. Try to get outdoors as often as possible. But, like most people, I also spend an excessive amount of time in front of my TV and phone being an absolute couch potato. Occasionally, an idea pops into my head, and I feel a conviction to follow through with it. But, just as often, I feel as though I’m grasping for straws.

Photo by Andrik Langfield on Unsplash

Part of what keeps me going is the concept that I am building a time capsule for myself. A selection of writings that I can visit and reflect on years to come that fully captures various states of my mind at different moments in my life. It’s a diary. Public, not private. But a diary, all the same.

Around two months ago, a friend commented on how I am constantly growing, a new version of Paul, every time she reunites with me. (Is she right?) I don’t always notice this progress because I experience it in real time. I see myself everyday... then again, I’m not sure that I even see myself at all. I’m inside myself. Which is a completely different feel. The fact of the matter is that I don’t always spot the changes, but I’d like to. I hope that the writings I’m gathering today will offer me a tiny bit of that perspective in the future.

Some days, coffee won’t do its job and inspiration feels so far away, but there’s always something deep inside my head worth capturing.