The Reunion (Part 2)

Photo by Tom Butler on Unsplash

Click here to read part 1 of the The Reunion.

This stings a little bit. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t.

That marvelous reunion that happened two weeks ago. Our second catch up that was “scheduled” for tomorrow was cancelled with the words “maybe next week”. I tell myself I should not think into this too deeply. My precise words in my writing were that if we did not meet up again, I’d be perfectly fine with that. So why does it sting at all? Because I was and still am lying to myself. I want to see her again.

Let me runaway from my thoughts and feelings. Distract myself with many other things. I don’t care if I don’t have her. And I don’t need her.... Family member or not. Let her be dead to me, once again.

These words are harsh... not in an attempt to be dramatic and gain attention, but to reflect my headspace at the moment. I don’t mean to stir anything up... but I am a bit stirred up. A little hurt. And I owe it to myself to speak my mind. Vent and make sense of everything that spills out.

People come and go. Expectations aren’t met. Feelings are hurt. And that is life. But when someone cancels plans at the last minute without proposing and committing to a specific make up date, I can’t deny that it rubs me off the wrong way.

I know I shouldn’t always take this type of rejection so personally. Sometimes, life steps in and conflicts with one’s social life. And maybe that’s the case in this situation... although I was offered no details in this regard.

But I’m less sympathetic to this explanation given the delicate, unstable nature of our relationship. Our relationship is on the rocks. It requires all the love, attention, and effort in the world for it to flourish into... anything. It’s emerging from absolute nonexistence. In my head, it should be high up on one’s list of priorities. At the same time...I’ll continue to deny that it’s one of my priorities. I’d like to think I have no desire for her or anyone else in my life. Which is, once again, a lie.

Lately, in my life, I’m working on saying “yes” more than I say “no”, The initial meet up was just that. I was like... let’s do it. Let’s go on an adventure and see what happens. I still haven’t told any of my immediate family members about it. I wanted to go in with a clear head and a fresh(ish) slate. With that... I guess I also did think ahead some... more than I should have? I imagined at least a second meet up. But now, I’m not even sure that we’ll get that and I have to really pretend I don’t care either way. That she is nothing to me. And I’m okay with that.

Maybe I’m thinking too deeply into all of this. Maybe we will reconnect next week, and I’ll feel so silly about me jumping to conclusions. I hope that is the case. In the meantime, if by some far off chance you stumble into this post and read it, I want you to know that I hold no ill will towards you. My harsh words are mainly there to cover up any hurt and/or betrayal that I feel at this moment. I would very much like to see you again (if you are interested). Feel out our relationship some more, and give it the chance it deserves.

That is all.