Separate

Photo by Unsplash

Originally written January 27th, 2021

Does anyone know this feeling?

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It’s demoralizing to scroll through my social media feed when all I see are extremes, and I don’t agree with anyone or trust anything. Were COVID-19 not a reality, I don’t think I’d even want to be around people right now. I’d much rather find a cabin tucked away in the woods far from civilization, wi-fi, and all the problems of today. Since I was a child, I’ve always been captivated by nature, stories of loners stepping away from society and living in the wild. Alas, I don’t drive and I’m not comfortable using public transportation during the pandemic, so I’m trapped at home like most people.

The world keeps rushing past me. Current events are hard to process. And, unfortunately, civil discourse is dead. You’re either good or evil. Black or white. For or against. Just or unjust. I appreciate asking questions. Learning. But ask too many questions or dabble in the gray area, and you’ll be rebuked. Branded as ignorant. Or worse, the enemy.

I can’t speak my mind. But I also can’t make it up. I haven’t found my footing. Sometimes, I’m not even sure my footing exists. Then again, it’s (another) COVID year. Nothing is right.  Not even my judgement, We’re all slowly going insane. Some more quickly and obviously than others. Perhaps, I’m a pioneer, ahead of the pack and past the point of no return.

I’m naturally a solution oriented person. I like when the puzzle pieces fit in my head. I’m happy to put in the work. But lately, the puzzle pieces don’t fit. Nothing makes sense. No one makes sense. I’m wondering if I’m missing pieces. Or if there are just too many...

My brain is exhausted. I need to disconnect. But I don’t want to miss out. When the world rears its ugly, toxic head, I can’t help but look. In fact, I stare. As a spectator, I’m entertained. The world is anything but boring. As an empathetic, rational human, I’m horrified. Everything- including my attempts to make sense, make peace - feels absurd. And the pathway forward feels more convoluted than ever. 

Perhaps, the cabin in the woods really is the best answer.... I won’t physically be there anytime soon, but I can dream. You may call that privilege. I’ll call this my survival.