My Music

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I’d love to gather some statistics on the music I have on my iPhone. An assortment of pop music. A large chunk of Ariana Grande. A gratuitous amount of Eminem. Billie Eillish. Drake. Adele. Ben Frost. Christmas classics from last year that I have yet to delete... You might be surprised to hear the variety of music circulating through my playlist at the moment.

There’s a lot going on in my head. There’s a lot going on in my music selection. Each song carries with it a distinct vibe. I wonder if I also carry along a vibe of my own? And what that might be? How do I make you feel? What type of music do I put out into the world?

I know it’s a dangerous path to ask those questions, to concern yourself with how others perceive you. The answers I’d receive would only serve to confuse the decisions I’d make going forward. So, let’s pivot away from directing those questions to others, and ask myself this question: Paul, who are you? What type of music are you composing?

Back to my iPhone’s playlist, there’s a certain song from a certain dance I choreographed at a certain time in my life. Every time I hear the song... its energy reverberates inside of me. Something dark... brooding. Sincere. It makes me feel.... in ways I don’t always. Takes me back to performing the piece on stage or alone in a studio... not necessarily specific steps.... but the essence of them, the impetus behind them.

When I flip to this song on shuffle.... sometimes, I feel the need to runaway from it. The power of this song is too special.... too connected to the emotional state of mind I had at that time. I don’t want to overplay it. I don’t want it to lose all that power. I don’t want to forget it... The headspace. The way my body responds to it. The tension that grips my muscles... the tremors deep inside my chest... the breath that traps itself in my lungs. Anxiety. Fear. Brokenness. Breaking free from the madness by stepping into it... If there ever was a song built for me, if there ever was a song that was mine, this one would be it.

So.... who are you, Paul? I am more than the collective sum of all of the music on my iPhone playlist. I am still more than the songs that hit me the hardest. I may be a completely different person to you than I am to myself or to someone else. Long story short - I don’t know. Art is illuminating. Let me swim some more through the playlist on my iPhone, and maybe I’ll find out. I suggest that you do the same.