Are You My Friend?

Photo by Luke Ellis-Craven

Question for you: Who are your friends? What makes them your “friend”? (Am I your friend?)
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A few years ago, I remember having a conversation with a “friend” about her relationship with her boyfriend at the time. Somewhere, in the midst of this conversation, the concept of trust came up. I asked her what it took for her to trust someone... and she said that it took nothing. That she trusts everyone by default until they prove themselves untrustworthy.

To me, this was a radical notion... and a dangerous way to live. If I lived that way, I imagine I’d only end up getting burnt...

So, I don’t live that way. I make people earn my trust. And keep the more sensitive items in my life to myself until I feel comfortable sharing them.

I have a few people in my life that I label as “friends”. Becoming my “friend” is not an easy process. I spent over a year of hanging out with my best “friends” of today before I’d even consider them my “friends”. I put a lot of barriers up. I takes some time before I’m willing to let you in. And even more time before I’m willing to categorize you as a “friend” in my head. In the meantime, before you’re my “friend”, you may catch me referring to you as a former classmate... a coworker... my choreographer. Shallow labels indicating the professional relationship I have with you, the circumstances under which we met, and nothing more. I don’t always consciously realize what it is that I’m doing... but I’m keeping you at a distance. A safe distance, far from the delicate space I reserve for those special people I consider my “friends”.

So, yes... if I do consider you my “friend”... you’re someone special to me. You’ve done a lot to prove yourself. In my head, I’ve put you through trial after trial... and you’ve passed. I feel I have a comfortable - firm enough - grasp on you: who you are, who you are to me, and your intentions. This is not to say, you’re in the clear. I’m still watching you. Closely. My guard never completely goes away. I’m a pretty paranoid guy.... But it does mean that I’m willing to take a risk with you. That I feel you’re worth my time and energy.

Thinking back to the conversation I had with my friend on trust a few years back... I don’t think I’ll ever reach a point where I trust everyone by default. That’s just not how I’m wired. I’m pretty sensitive inside. Delicate. Prone to injury. So I need some sort of defense system in place. But I do think that I can and should learn how to relax a bit more with others. To let my guard down more often. Let people in sooner... I’m doing a lot of work inside to get there. Wish me luck.

Photo by Timon Studler